hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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