My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
