I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
