yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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