i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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