Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
