There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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