If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
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I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
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Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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