I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I am one with the molecules
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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