So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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