Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
