and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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