the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
wow bdsm is so cute
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