I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
