Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize