About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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