i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
