I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
