I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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