You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
