and next time when you feel me up, do it right
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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