The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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