Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
