No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
