matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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