If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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