you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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