Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
