he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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