don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
