Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
