If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
