You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
