Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard