just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.