Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.