I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
