Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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