Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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