Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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