Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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