but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
