We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
