I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
