So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
