For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
