I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
