Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
