i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
