I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
