My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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