omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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