i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
