No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
