I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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