You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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