I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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