Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
