yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just threw up on my dentist
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
